If you must, then start to cry

Years ending with 3 are the bittersweet ones for me. I’ve just realised that, and it makes zero difference in my practical life. I still have problems to solve and tomorrow will definitely be another day, when I will probably feel ridiculous for having cried over my adult problems today, just like the child I was in ’83 cried because she lost her shoes, or the adult I was in 2013 cried because she was homesick.

Now I have more serious issues, or so I think. Tougher ones perhaps… and I wish I did not have them at all. Still, deep down inside, I feel two major things: one is the huge lump in my stomach, that makes me doubt my own capacity. The other is the certainty that this, too, shall pass. At least now I have the experience I did not have back in 1993, when I promised to love someone who was already leaving, before even arriving, or in 2003, when I asked my child still in my belly to hold on a little more, because it was too early for them to arrive…

At least now, knowing about this weird cycle of mine, I can make myself ready for the next wave… my only fear is that the stakes get too high. I still don’t believe in destiny, bad karma or whatever you may think of to justify such intense turn of events in people’s lives. But I do believe things change, and it does not matter how often it happens. The thing is, it does happen, and you can choose how to deal with it.

I usually cry. Then, somehow, the lump in my stomach dissolves and reminds me how good it feels to be free, empty and relieved. And again, no matter what happens, this, too, shall pass.